The first day or two after we learned about her CDH felt as though we were in mourning. It feels weird to say we were mourning the baby that is so actively moving inside of me, but that is the best way I can describe it.
Once you become pregnant (maybe even before) you have this movie in your mind about how everything will play out. Baby comes, baby cries, and everyone cheers. You hold your baby, take pictures with your baby and nurse your baby. The next day you bring your baby home and spend time rocking and bonding with your baby.
Our story will be much different. We most likely won't hear her cry at birth (due to limited lungs) and immediately after she is delivered she will be put on a ventilator and taken to the NICU. I might get to glance at her, but the first cuddle won't come for weeks. In fact, it could be days before we even get to touch her. She will most likely be the sickest baby in the entire NICU for several weeks and we will have to watch her sleep alone with tubes coming out every which way from her body. Worst of all we will have to leave the hospital without her each night and go back to a hotel for weeks or months. She won't get to wear the clothes we purchased for her or sleep in her beautiful crib, at least not right away. We won't get to take adorable "newborn" pictures and I won't be able to nurse her. Everyday for weeks or months she will be fighting for her life and we will be on a rollercoaster of ups and downs watching her every step of the way....5 hours from our home and the majority of our family. Thinking about all of this it isn't surprising that we went through a mourning phase. We were mourning the loss of the reality we have watched all of our friends experience. It definitely took us a couple of days to wrap our heads around our new reality and realize...this is real life.
That being said...
It is important that we stay positive. Just as I said in the beginning with the bleed, I know my baby will survive. She is a strong fighter and has the love, support, and prayers of so many people on her side. Our reality may be different than we envisioned for all of those months, but the reality is, she will be coming home, eventually. She will wear her cute clothes eventually and she will sleep in her crib eventually. It might not be days after birth, but that is okay. All Rex and I really care about is getting her home eventually.
We quickly realized that being stressed out or crying isn't going to change anything. We can't worry our problems away and we can't sit here feeling sorry for ourselves and our situation when there are people out there who would ultimately give anything to have a little girl just like ours. We could sit here and ask ourselves "why us" or say "it isn't fair" but we believe that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason we were given this strong little girl and I wouldn't change anything about her. She is ours and no matter what she will be perfect. This experience will help shape and define who she becomes. It will make her a better person. She will appreciate life and all it has to offer. She will work hard to make the most out of her life because she will realize how precious her life is. It will bond our family because when she gets older she will read this and learn how much we love her and how hard we all fought for her. She is going to be an AMAZING child with a very bright future and I am already proud to call myself her mom.
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